front of the back of the
Christmas tree Christmas tree
My daughter thinks them being called joggers instead of sweatpants makes them worth $87.
My eldest is at the age where she’s starting to ask questions. Tonight she started asking about Father Christmas. My wife calmly took her to another room to answer, leaving me with her younger siblings. We couldn’t hear so I still don’t know what’s up. Hope Santa is OK
I can’t really explain it, but the second half of the alphabet is more exciting than the first.
Waitress: *laughs at my husband’s dad joke*
Me: DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT YOU HAVE DONE?!
PLEASE HELP MY BIOLOGY TEACHER ASKED WHATS THE OPPOSITE OF “DOMINANT” AND I CONFIDENTIALLY ANSWERED “SUBMISSIVE” TO THE WHOLE CLASS
The best way to break up with your vampire boyfriend is over a stake dinner.
My daily affirmation
A universal unit of measurement is especially helpful in the squid world where you can enjoy tentacle-long hotdogs, chicken tentacle soup, pickled pig’s tentacles and the kids favorite fruit by the tentacle.
Holiday dinners with family are like real life boss levels with the worst loot
look at this pretty bar i went to last night! also look at the first photo i took, featuring my panic as i realized the flash was on
Hubs: Why can’t we use the good china?
Me: Because that’s for if the Queen comes to visit
Hubs: um…
Me: oh bugger!
WIFE: would you take a bullet for me?
ME: baby I’d take a bullet for anyone
Always the kidnapper, never the kidnapped
If I woke up today from a ten year coma and the first thing I saw was an ad for the new downton abbey movie I’d be like oh ok thank god. Looks like I was only out for a few months