A job site for heavily tattooed professionals called Inkedin
A short story of betrayal:
the most audacious part of the trojan horse plan must’ve been trying to keep all the soldiers inside from giggling so much
If I was a ghost, pottery wouldn’t be the first thing I do.
*Shovel
*Lye
*GlovesCashier: “Gardening project?”
Me: “Nope”*Bleach
*Duct tape
*Tarp
who called it a motorhome and not a casa roll
My boss: *flicks ash off cigarette* So I says to her, I says “Relax, babe, I only objectify hot chicks. You’re safe” lol
HR: *scribbling furiously* Slow down, I don’t want to miss any- AARGH! HAND CRAMP!
what my late-night hot pocket sees
“It’s been a bit of a day”
Meaning: Anything from “the printer stopped working” to “an asteroid hit the planet and eradicated 90% of living things”
Before I got an iPhone all I heard from my husband was how “intuitive” their products were. And I couldn’t help wishing they made spouses.
We’re all McNuggets in search of the right dipping sauce.
This salad tastes like I’ll be eating spaghetti at midnight. 😒
OBGYN : What are you using for birth control?
Me: my personality
Me as a therapist: omg same
Aw cool firepit!
Me: Thanks! It’s for destroying evidence 🥰