I asked my kid if he had a good day at kindergarten and he said it was a really good day and his friend fell off a stool. I don’t know if these two facts are related.
I once worked with a girl that was so hot it was like she lived on another planet. She’d be like “you know how when you go to Subway they always give you free cookies” and I’d be like “no I don’t know that because us ugos have to pay for those cookies”
Goblin adventurer whose catchphrase is “no goblemo”
Always leave them wanting their money back.
Anyone who thinks children are not just tiny criminals has never been shaken down for a dollar at 6:30 am
If it turns out there is a Heaven and Hell, I’m still screwed. I owe people in both places a lot of money.
“Dollars to donuts” is my most frequent currency conversion.
What if all those PhDs stop just defending and actually start attacking?!?
11 days into a low carb detox and having fantasies of swimming in spaghetti wearing an Italian bread bikini
Not to brag, but my son’s principal hasn’t called today.
i don’t trust someone who says their ideal date is a “hike”
I deal with my problems in the order they were received.
Right now they’re all on hold listening to crappy music.
Pro tip: smell the fragrant hand soap on your fingers while you’re in the restaurant’s restroom, not on your way back to the table.
beyond meat implies the existence of bed meat and bath meat
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.