cutie flirting w/ me: “Excuse me, how much does a polar bear weigh?” 😉
me, trying to be helpful: “An average male polar bear weighs up to 1,500lbs!”
cutie: “…’enough to break the ice’?”
me: “Haha I hope not, but climate change is having disastrous effects on their habitat!”
sounds kinky. i’m in.
Me: *rubs broom back & forth in front of kid gliding in heelys
Friend: pls stop curling children
This red flag smells like chloroformZZZ.
Packing my lunch and including two fruits so they have each other to keep company when I don’t eat either of them
I have entirely too many new bruises for someone who isn’t getting laid
Screenwriting:
ACT ONE: What’s their deal?
ACT TWO: This wasn’t the deal, now let’s see how they deal.
ACT THREE: They’re a whole new deal.
When Dr. Seuss wrote, “Oh, The Places You’ll Go,” he did not consider how comfortable my couch would be.
I bought some IKEA furniture and paid extra for delivery and set-up.
Next day, they dumped the box and a dead body in my yard. And called the cops.
Good morning, especially if they tried to make go to rehab and you said no, no, no.
I take back everything bad I’ve ever said about the Welsh
In a job interview, you can always respond to an awkward question with a deep gaze and parted lips, followed by “You complete me.”
I love when kids say moo cow cause what other kinds of cows are there besides mooing ones?
My tween would like you to know I ruined his life when I told him to stop being super sus and cringe and be more lit yo.
if i saw a ufo i would simply identify it. not that big of a deal