REMEMBER, if five people classify you as a “2,” technically, you are then a “10”…
Doing car review videos where I tell you if there’s enough elbow room to clean your ears while driving, how it sounds while in the car wash, and how much spaghetti fits in each Pringle holder
Sing like no one’s listening
Dance like no one’s watching
Rub up against the bus stop like no one’s going to call the police
My foto for you
I hope you are a good girl
Your foto look nice#haiku
If you get drunk and message your ex, don’t worry. When you wake up, send bitcoin ads and pretend you were hacked.
Me: Why did you need to buy a dehumidifier can’t you just put out humidifier in reverse?
Husband: *eye twitches*
[sees a squirrel walking, not running, out of a cemetery] sweet jesus this is how it begins
Fancy restaurants are self-esteem destroyers because good luck not leaving an embarrassing stain on the white table cloth. Ever.
Jimmy Fallon:
Squirrel guest: *tail twitching like crazy*
Jimmy Fallon: HAHAHA that’s so great
Get your ski mask. We’re pulling off a popsicle factory heist. I got the strawberry shortcakes. Leave no creamsicle behind.
Never forget that your fave celebs are trying to sell you cartoon monkey pictures during a pandemic.
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)PRINT
Printer)No
Me)PRINT!!!
Printer)Here’s 8,000
I love my new crockpot. Now we can wait longer to eat my horrible cooking.
I just want my kid to do what I say when I say it but at the same time be a free thinker that doesn’t just accept whatever is told to him. Is that really so much to ask?
Our parents were right all along, the music is too loud.