The first rule of Nun Club is “no dirty habits.”
Everything reminds me of my ex
My husband excused himself from the table to take a work call. What’s the official waiting period on stealing his fries?
My retirement plan is to have an abdomen that can stop a cannonball
Why does everyone despise us lazy people so much? We didn’t do anything.
I asked 5 why she threw her peas on the floor and she said “it wasn’t me it was my imaginary friend“ and I said “I didn’t know you had an imaginary friend” and she said “I don’t, I just thought of it when you got cross about the peas”
It’s only my second day picking up my son from pre-school, and I’ve already learned the best question to ask if you want more than a one-word answer: Did anyone get in trouble today?
They were testing a machine that calculates your age based on your reflexes. Turns out I am 140 years old.
What are guys wearing their sunglasses on the back of their heads hiding from us?
My boss calls me “The computer”
Not because of my calculation skills but because I go to sleep when left unattended for 15 minutes.
Day 4: They suspect nothing.
📸:
over-40 lifehack: if you go every 6 months instead of annually, they only give you a semicolonoscopy
My husband says our family will never get a pet but yesterday I walked in on him baby talking the roomba.
Back on campus for the new semester and a younger fellow student asked me what I teach
I thought about poking him in the eye and saying “a lesson”
Shall i compare thee to a summers day? For thou maketh me sweaty and bloody irritable