my teen would like you to know I have allowed storms to disrupt our wifi when she had things to do
My husband has entered the “fun socks” years.
I am a full grown adult. Now listen to me discuss the various plot holes in Paw Patrol.
It’s so funny when someone writes a song to try to get someone to have sex with them. That’s what a bird would do!
“can you send us a writing sample?” no but i can send you multiple screenshots of me killing it in the group chat
Posting “wow pretty problematic” under every single person’s Spotify wrapped and then responding “it’s not my job to educate you” when they ask what I mean by that.
I’d walk over cotton balls for you
me: man, this is great! I only wish I’d taken up deadlifting sooner
Funeral Home Director: please leave.
A person becomes 10 times more attractive not by their looks but by photoshop
Any refunds available?…
My parents just called.
M+D: We started watching Captain America Civil War from the middle.
ME: You should watch it from the beginning?
M+D: It came on TV and we caught it halfway through.
ME: Okay.
M+D: Real quick – why are they all at the airport fighting each other?
We do it every night.
Annoy each other.
20s: lol
30s: omg
40s: wtf
I didn’t believe in karma until I was scheduled to work at 6am on a holiday.
wasn’t it like… bad on that boat?
