Dogs will go through amazing effort to get a better view of your plate
Child me at birthday party: gimme gimme ice cream
Adult me at birthday party: gimme gimme cake
hats off to all the restaurants who made it through the last 20 years of anti-carb propaganda and still serve free bread as an appetizer
contractor: [looking at a water leak in my office] ok so it’s just a simple fix. you could do it yourself if you wanted to
me: yea i don’t
I’m not sure why people limit themselves to snapping wishbones when there are so many excellent human bones for breaking.
The Mayan calendar didn’t end in 2012, they just sold the calendar technology to a billionaire from another continent who promised to make it “better”
My 3 year old had a meltdown because she was smiling in a pic, but the puppy wasn’t. So I get it, parents that drive their entire family into a lake.
What idiot called it a picnic and not a blanquet?
Creepy guy at gas station: you got boyfriend?
Me: um yes. I’m married.
CG: *shrugs* your loss.
Me:
CG:
me: babe watch me flip this omelette!
her: cool
me: now watch me kick flip this omelette!!
her: sick!!!
I know it’s wrong to label people, but since I bought my label-maker it’s all I can think about.
When I said you had a “serial killer face” I had meant it as a compliment, Like, you look like you are very ambitious is what I meant.
Do you ever feel like you’re a white shirt and life is a leaky burrito?
Ok now I can see why they say a dog is a MAN’S best friend. Just asked my dog what he thought of my new boots and it’s like he doesn’t even give a shit.
If you pass out in front of your kids they will either try to call an ambulance or use you as a trampoline. You just don’t know.