My teen’s stories have a beginning, middle, and I need $20.
Welcome to your 40’s. Now you get excited about finding your car in a parking lot.
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Boss: Why do you need to leave work early?
Me: Bro, I’m straight up not having a good time.
Me, in my teens: This radio station is playing my jams.
Me, in my 20s: This bar is playing my jams.
Me, in my 30s: This grocery store is playing my jams.
7yo: You know if you didn’t have kids you could turn my room into a tea room.
So now we know her plans after I die.
This video of a hamster riding a mini moped has been on repeat since I seen it lol
Not saying my marriage is bad but I swiped left when I saw my husband on Tinder
I wonder if my heating pad thinks I’m cheating on it when I sleep with my electric blanket.
This painting is titled:
Would It Hurt You To Put The Dirty Bowl In The Dishwasher?
she’s a 10 but Excel thinks she’s October
This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve seen
I don’t care how bad it looks in the casket I want to pay the boatman with fettuccine alfredo
Therapist was right, stress balls are helpful, I’ve been throwing them at people all day and never felt better.
When I say “seriously!” with either of the eyebrows raised, it could be a thinly disguised euphemism for wtf!!!