*brings coconut cake to a knife fight
I really only wanna grow old so I can get the senior discount at thrift stores
My 2-year-old asking for her stuffed lamb while having a snack…
Daughter: “Where’s Lamby?”
Me: “In the crib.”
Daughter: “Go get him.”
Me: “Can you say please?”
Daughter: “I can’t say please with food in my mouth.”
Kung fu movie idea:
She’s 72 years old and has 24 cats. For decades, she’s been absorbing cat kung fu from watching them.
When the landlord tries to wrongfully evict everyone in her building, they must face the wrath of
KUNG FU CAT LADY
My daughter’s school held a Multicultural Night at school which was amazing, so gorgeous, informative and fun but I had to put on a good bra so I can only give it a 5/10.
Too close to dinner for lunch now. I’ll just have a few fresh veggies and half a bag of potato chips to tide me over.
My 5-year-old “is the milk from nice cows?” Idk dude just eat your cereal
I have been lowering the tone for so long now that I am effectively operating solely in infrasound frequencies which can only be heard by whales.
And they are appalled.
what is joe biden’s plan to make everything bagels less messy to eat
I’ve never been to hell, but I once forgot to buy batteries for my 6 year old son’s toys on Christmas morning.
My kids, when I tell them, “Stop trying to talk over one another. If you each want to tell me something, tell me one at a time, so I can understand you.”
What we need is more companies making hot sauce. I need 900 more ways to taste a thing that tastes exactly like all the other ones.
i wonder if it’s possible to swim from one end to the other in a pool filled with mashed potatoes ?
I don’t need the audio tour at the museum, I have my teen to provide critical commentary the entire time.
Me: Can we discuss my X-ray?
Doctor: We can try, but I never met him