Watching holiday movies as a kid gave me the impression that as an adult I’ll forget my kid at home or have to drive in a halfway burned down car to get where I’m going.
friend: you’re saying a huge alien lifted you onto his ship, examined you, and sent you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
if I wasn’t supposed to grow up to want a sugar daddy why did we base an entire holiday around a much older man bringing me presents for being a good girl
Damn even I didn’t expect him to lift up the pizza lol
office jobs are so funny because you’ll be 24 and your greatest enemy in the world is a 55 year old woman named betty from finance
can’t argue with a guy that has curly hair 🤦♂️ whatever u say gorgeous
Eww this cheese is disgusting!
*keeps eating it
I’m not asking for a lot, I just want someone down to earth that’s gonna touch me all over like my shower curtain does
Nothing makes me more stabby than when my husband ignores me and starts talking to the dog.
It’s easy to make friends as an adult, you just go up to someone you think looks normal & ask them if they’d like to go pick out matching butterfly knives with you, it works for dating & job interviews, too
“Sleep when you’re dead”… well this weekend consider me the dearly departed.
Looking for a get well soon card but they’re all so inspirational and sappy why not something simple like “I hope you make it through this but if not say what’s up to god for me”
i am going as a ‘credit card’ to this halloween party, cause i plan on being used irresponsibly.
Everyone goes through a phase where they think they can speak Italian
“love means never having to say you’re sorry”
“that is not what love means”
“sorry”