feeling dizzy
highly recommended, many stars
Interviewer: This isn’t a glamorous position.
Me: I understand. I’m willing to do anything.I: We expect you to arrive before sunrise.
Me: No problem.I: Carry 50lb bags of grain.
Me: I’m your girl.I: Muck the stalls.
Me: Of course.I: Answer the phone —
Me: I’m out.
Remember that time that thing happened and you laughed when you weren’t supposed to laugh? People are still mad about that.
You could never commit the JFK assassination today. You’d be cancelled
Imagine being all knowing and still putting a snake in charge of apples
A hippo’s favourite desert is hippopota-mousse.
#MousseDay #RubbishJokes
“Dress for the job you want!”
*dresses up as celebrity-slapper*
Cyberman: I am allergic to gold.
Elf: I’m allergic to iron.
Cyberman: I’m made of iron.
Elf: I can make gold appear at my fingertips.
Cyberman:
Elf:
Cyberman: We should probably stop seeing each other.
We ran out of eggnog last night so I put brandy in some pancake batter and nobody noticed.
Me: Almost time to sign about us All Hanging Signs.
Her: Um, you mean Auld Lang Syne?
Me: Well, this is embarrassing. I mean, you should learn the words if you’re going to sing it babe.
[yelling from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] anytime u want to talk about poor boundaries i’m ready
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
Finding a human tooth in my fortune cookie was just the beginning.
This dudes dogs 😁battle cry
Watching holiday movies as a kid gave me the impression that as an adult I’ll forget my kid at home or have to drive in a halfway burned down car to get where I’m going.