I’m wondering if other dogs are afraid of Saint Bernards. Not like dog fighting, but morally.
Person: Would you like to eat 6 string cheeses in a row?
Me: Naw.
Person: We deep fried em and there will be tomato sauce.
Me: Oh, ok, yes.
I thought my Monday couldn’t get any worse but then Linda from HR said I can’t *make* people in the office call me Stingray.
[ zombie desperately trying to feed a dollar into a glass elevator full of businessmen ]
Took the kids to the beach and I now I need to know if I drive the sand back myself or if someone will come pick it up from me
Not to brag but my kid is so polite she woke me up to check if she was making too much noise
me: do you want more breakfast
6: no im full i have a small tummy
me: ok that’s fine you can-
6: not like you, have a big tummy, huge, it’s so big, not like my small one yours is so giant-
me: I SAID you can go now thanks
If you can’t hide the evidence, pretend to be part of an accident
The only running I do is to the microwave to catch the beep before the dog hears it go off
If I ever get married, throw mozzarella cheese, not rice.
I put too much ketchup on my plate, so obviously I have to get more French fries. Balance must be achieved.
My favourite childhood memory is not paying bills
Some people have bedroom eyes. I have interrogation room eyes.
Them: No pets allowed!
My cat: Guess you are gonna just have to wait outside for me…
The first clue I had taken the “eyes on the back of my head” thing too far was when the teacher asked why my kid thinks I’m an alien