anytime anyone dunks on me on this app i’m like man :/ i bet if they took the time to get to know me they’d be able to dunk on me even harder and more specifically :///
Used to be able to touch my toes. Now I just have a sip of beverage and wave at them.
Growing out my freckles.
Before I was married I had no idea I was sneezing wrong.
I never move faster than when I dive into bed, so my husband has to turn off all the lights and lock the front door.
brain: did we get anything done this weekend?
me: no
brain: ok then at least we relaxed
me: somehow also no
Personal trainer: How’s your diet been going?
Me: Absolutely amazing
Personal trainer: May I ask what you’ve been eating?
Me: You may not
An unboxing video but it’s the toys my kid buried under her bed and forgot she had…
I asked Alexa to play the Encanto soundtrack and I swear I heard her sigh
no, no… I don’t want to be a burden
– me being a total burden
We just walked into a Target and my wife said we don’t need a buggy and I don’t know what I’m supposed to do in here without a buggy to push.
reservations are so embarrassing like hi i’m here for my spaghetti appointment
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
If you start out by saying “not to sound creepy,” you’ll get my full attention.
[putting an old car in reverse] oh this takes me back