Paid my mortgage so don’t ask me to come out. I’m getting my moneys worth.
I meant to take a long refreshing chug of soda, but I had not opened the can, so basically I french kissed aluminum.
having children is a pyramid scheme.
lmao babies are so bad at tic-tac-toe I win every time
I think it broke my bf’s heart when I said he couldn’t have Salma Hayek for Valentine’s Day.
i know what will make the other reindeer like rudolph more – a surprise promotion from the boss on the biggest night of the year
My love language is deader than Latin
sometimes work CAN be fun, like reading through a long, complicated email and realizing you have zero responsibility for it so you can immediately forward to the person that does while laughing
*sees cute boy checking me out*
me: our horde of children will have his eyes and my low standards
Googled my symptoms and it turns out it’s just 2022.
4: Mommy hear me count to 10,000
Me:
Angry church people on Good Friday are Fast and Furious
Just learned that the main guy from the Sopranos was named Tony Soprano what’s next you’re gonna tell me the guy from True Detective is called Tony True Detective c’mon
Triscuits are great because it reminds us that our gums can get splinters too.
🎶I Heard Mommy Screaming at Santa Claus🎶
– assembling my bike… I was about 6