Bike for sale
Cat owners aren’t lazy. They’re just often paralyzed for hours because the supreme ruler of the house is sleeping on their lap.
Me: I need a “pick me up”
Guy working the crane:
These work great until they don’t.
I’ve just realised, there really is a staircase behind our sofa.
All these years I’ve been laughing when my wife walked down it.
my bf is on a plane to miami right now and a bulldog in the row next to him just had diarrhea. everyone freaked out, the dog owner began sobbing, and the dog escaped. now, covered in poo, it is running around the plane. people are lifting up their legs and screaming.
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
4: can I have a snack?
Me: it’s almost time for dinner.
4: if it’s not dinner time, it’s snack time.
Left the kids alone in a room with some styrofoam. One just yelled “it’s snowing” and the other started singing jingle bells. What have I done
I won’t get excited until Twitter adds a button that lets me correct mistakes in other people’s tweets.
All summer long: Kids are healthy.
5 minutes into the 1st day of school: Everyone has Ebola
I havent had sex in so long what if I forgot how to moan and instead I go : moooooo
I pack underwear as if I plan to shit myself for 40 days and nights
You say “aargh” and my reply is definitely “Aargh indeed.”
DAUGHTER: can I have a snack?
ME: [clearly making dinner] no, I’m making dinner right now.
DAUGHTER: but I’m hungry!!
ME: