Why is it PIZZERIA and not PIZZARIA?
– my brain at 2:00 am
Have you seen the Christmas pizza at Domino’s?
The baby cheese crust.
Every family needs a delusional daughter who is ambitious about relieving all her family’s struggles solely by winning the lottery one day.
She thinks she funny #IfMyFriendsTitledMyLifeStory
If you’re happy and you know it eat a bug
*leans forward*
*leans back*
*leans forward*
*leans back*
Husband: Can’t find your reading glasses again?
Me: No, I’m doing micro crunches!
When the executioner asks me what my final words are I’m just going to start filibustering.
I am the proud father of two content providers. I mean children. Two children.
*Makes three typos while trying to correct one*
I bet you don’t believe it, but I lived on Mars for years.
However, only eating chocolate did rot my teeth.
#ChocolateDay #RubbishJokes
Have kids they said, they definitely won’t lose your right AirPod in the yard and run it over with the lawn mower they said.
I had big plans to sleep in until 7, but my bladder canceled.
My eye doctor is alarmingly young and when he said he thought I had a chalazion or a hordoleum I thought he might be referencing Pokémon
My 3YO thinks woman get pregnant by eating too much food that somehow creates a baby in their belly and I’m just thinking about how scary that would be.
“Do you want seconds?”
“HELL NAH! I’ve got three kids at home.”
The main reason I don’t want to monetise my Twitter in any way isn’t so much on principle but more out of the shame I would feel if I had to disclose “low quality anonymous shitposting” to the Tax Office all for $4.50 in annual profits