When I win the lottery I’m going to get dozens of fake IDs with various names. Then I’ll go to Starbucks and try to claim every coffee. Yes, as a matter of fact, I am Sarah and also Frank. Here’s my ID
my physical therapist told me I should be using a foam roller “or a wine bottle, since I know you have one of those at home”
Someone just told me she’s been married for 791 days. Is she excited or counting down her sentence?
How to place cats on green screens using Adobe After Effects everywhere
Going to be the corpse found at the lowest elevation of Everest ever, like by the parking lot
the highest compliment is someone asking for ur soup recipe and the highest ego swell is telling them there isn’t one
*first day as a pilot*
Me: sıɥʇ ʇɐ pɐq ɯɐ I ou ɥo
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
It’s a gift
People can be dangerous when they have too much power. Giving my 5yo a balloon sword is a perfect example of this.
Will I understand Charles III if I haven’t seen Charles I or II
My sex moves can best be described as trapped with an angry cat on a punctured water bed
My girlfriend is mad at lettuce, how’s your day going?
Hairstylist: so one of your sisters knows how to knit, crochet, and sew and the other one is an amazing cook/baker. What do you know how to do?
Me: Buy stuff
“Where’s the pizza?”
“What pizza?”
“Sicilian, extra cheese.”
“Haven’t seen it.”
“The app says it was delivered.”
“Look, I don’t know what to tell you.”