imagine being a rooster and just completely losing your shit over the sun rising.
coworker: you should try my therapist.
me: i’ve seen their work. no thanks.
No, I am not okay. Facebook just showed me something I posted 10 years ago.
How long will it take my husband to get to the acceptance part of the grief process after learning that the dryer he fixed 10 minutes ago is broken again?
interviewer: the job starts at 30k but in a year you’ll be making $40k
me: *gets up* ok see you then
[gets cut off in traffic]
my friend, you’ve made a very powerless & easily distracted enemy
ME: *doing crossword* What’s another word for upside-down?
WIFE: Inverted?
ME: No, in English Sharon.
Ghosting my landlord by hiding in the walls and haunting the property when he tries to have someone else move in
Candles never taste the way they smell
the queerest moment of my life was a first date with a cute girl that was going really well until she said “I hate cats” and I was like ohhh and she was like “should we just end this now?” and I was like “ugh. yeah probably” and then we hugged goodbye
I don’t know how I feel about ghosts. Never seen one, but I don’t deny the possibility they exist. But this video is chilling. A chill went up my spine. Watch at your own risk. Don’t blink. Terrifying. I now believe.
My inflatable house got a puncture
last night.Now I’m living in a flat.
When I see the lyrics to a song I’ve been singing wrong the whole time.
Cartoons led me to believe cities were filled with more folks trying to catch dogs in nets on sticks.
me: *joking* i’m always right! i’m NEVER wrong.
7: well. sometimes you are. remember when –
me: shut up