*group chat*
Fellas, I think it’s time. I think I’m finally ready to be a dad.
[Tamagotchi has requested to join the chat]
I don’t know why I paid for penicillin when I could have just ate the stuff in one of the kids cups I just found under the bed for free.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just climbed out my passenger side door because there was a wasp on my window.
Apparently people mistook my innocent “what street did you grow up on” tweet for data mining.
Which is hysterical in a completely non-Russian bot fabricated to crack your Pinterest password & steal your Dog Sweater Vision Board ideas kind of way.
(genuine human laughter)
nobody needs to go to school for code. if your code doesnt work just keep putting } at the end until it works
Doctor: seems like you have a pretty severe brain injury
Me: you can tell that from a leg x-ray?
Doctor: no I’ve read your tweets
My girlfriend will only have sex with me if i imitate her favourite electrical appliance. Tbh i’m not a fan
them: what are you think-
me: FOOD
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in three words.”
Me: “Efficient.”
Is there a bravery award I can nominate my son for as he managed to eat his toast despite the fact I cut it wrong.
Roomba should have a laundry function where it goes around your house picking up clothes off the floors and delivers them to your washing machine.
Them: Tell us something about yourself.
Me:
#damn
So to fix my shitty attention span I just need to read your list of ten different 400 page books on concentration…
[after 47 minutes of listening]
okay usually when someone says “what is wrong with me” it’s rhetorical but thanks for the feedback