Her, 5: can I have another pickle?
Me: no more pickles
Her: can I stare at the pickles?
Me: sure
Her: tell me want I want to hear baby
Me: your order is on its way
Her: oh god, yes!
old timey fellow: i say have you addressed your pants falling down problem?
inventor of suspenders: indeed good sir i’ve hung them from my shoulders.
I came home to find my boyfriend mopping the floor and my first thought was, “who’d he kill?”
“I don’t care!”, he tweeted, again.
What do best men at weddings in France do?
Making French toasts!
#FrenchToastDay #MondayMorning #RubbishJokes
tis the season
She said she liked animals but apparently all the fruit flies around my apartment was a “turn off”
1: How old is James Earl Jones?
2: She’s 30
1: OMG WHAT?
i think all men sincerely believe they could safely land a commercial airliner in an emergency situation with only air traffic control to walk them through it
I did NOT need to see this today!!!!
Lifting my wife’s wedding veil and finding out she’s Darth Maul
When I’m good I’m great. When I’m not good I’m the piano falling out of the window of people
how do we even know zombies only eat brains? it’s not like anyone has ever tried to offer them a hotdog or something
my family doesn’t play board games at Christmas anymore since that one year my sister ripped a Monopoly board in half and Risk caused a divorce