Maintaining my stance that groceries are sexist until they start selling grampulated sugar
9: can you open this for me please? My palms are too sweaty.
Me: are your knees weak? Arms heavy?
9: what?
Me: is there vomit on your sweater already? Moms spaghetti?
9: oh my God! I don’t even know the song but I know you’re rapping again!
Me: are you nervous?
9: stop!!!
Uber Eats:
Food
Tip
Sales tax
Service tax
Gas tax
Just because tax
What are you gonna do about it tax
My husband bought harmonicas for our kids and now I need to find a new family
Wanna play a dangerous game? It’s called taking a nap at 4.
Reaction when you try to get out of plans but the person keeps rescheduling so you can make it.
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
I still let my Mom make all my phone calls for me, but my customer service center boss is getting annoyed.
Me: Can I use it for my socials?
Mugshot Photographer: No.
*Infinite space outside*
A fly: I’m gonna nail this chick’s eardrum!
The AC guy is coming tomorrow and I expect him to fix all of my typos
-Wouldn’t it be nice, if we changed who’s the center of attention every 10 minutes, everybody could benefit
-Sir, this is a funeral
A lady once dmed and asked if we had internet in Brazil. I think about it a lot
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.