If an attacker broke into my house and & I was hiding, all they’d have to do is fart.
I’d giggle and give myself away immediately.
Wife: WHERE IS THE PACK OF HERSHEY BARS I WAS GOING TO USE FOR S’MORES
Me [mouth full, face covered in chocolate]: we wer gunna haf smors?!
You’re an adult – you can eat the whole tube of toothpaste if you want to. No one can stop you
I may forget what I opened the fridge for but I remember every time anyone has ever wronged me
A Lunar Eclipse that Flat-Earthers have never seen.
you’re an adult – don’t let anyone ruin your life and peace. You can do that shit on your own.
they’re doing a new version of hot ones. it’s called “savory ones”. as the interview goes on the guest is forced to eat increasingly sumptuous food items. “oh my this is just delectable” they will say at the end, sweating and crying.
Thank you Ortega, these tacos are gonna rock
the lamestream media wants you to call them “pigeons”. but CRIME BIRDS are terrorizing our cities: stealing wifi, causing sunspots, downloading cars
i was dropped as an adult
“Who’s the new guy?”
“We’ll explain later.”
“But-“
“Just look at the camera, Steve.”
I heard God is testing both of us at the same time wanna hang out
I’ve traveled all around America and one of the craziest things to me is just how many places it’s perfectly normal for adult men to pretend to be cowboys