I translated it for you because it’s just the funniest dialog
Wow. It’s a good thing UPS hid this under the doormat for me so no one would steal it…
I’m not saying I’m mad at you, but I hope someone breaks into your house tonight, toasts all your bread and then puts it all back in the bag
My mind is like someone dumped the entire junk drawer on a trampoline
If there’s power banjo and a mandolin in the song, you get to drive five miles over the speed limit in business areas.
Seriously why do people do this to themselves?
being hungover on weekends is inefficient, you should wake up early on weekends and live your life. you should only drink heavily on weeknights so you can recover from your hangovers while on the clock at work
love to click “no borders” on my excel spreadsheets. like hell yeah brother. one world ✌️
LinkedIn just texted me that people are looking at my profile. That feels ominous.
Signatures as a form of legal identification purely theatre at this point. You’re telling me I can make pretty much whatever squiggly line I want on this piece of paper and now I control my father’s pesticide company? Grow up.
You can get out of a TSA pat-down much faster if you keep whispering the word “slower” in the agent’s ear.
18: Who’s saved in your phone as No?
Me: Like 10 different people, let’s just work on minding our own business.