People that tell us what sex gods they are..what do you want us to do with that information?
When someone is trapped in a bear cave, offering to send more bears in is frowned upon. I know this now.
Me: hi can I file for an exten—-
My accountant: already done we figured lol
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes, now I have Heinz sight
The free hotel blow-dryer should be easier to get off the bathroom wall.
Say what you will, but at least both of my AirPods still work.
Probably.
If I can just remember where the hell…
Only wearing tennis skirts from now on and frankly disappointed in myself for not thinking of it sooner.
In todays addition of what will we find when we take off our bra…two legos AND a winning lotto ticket! Just kidding that would be so awesome but it was just two legos.
CW: What’s your favorite shellfish fantasy drama?
Me: Game of Prawns 🍤
Auto carrots has been really aggressive with the editing lately
Wait. I thought I was watching Hoarders. Looks like things are heating up!
Her: Treat me mean, do bad things to me!
Me: *changes the WiFi password*
The news keeps updating everyone on the Queen’s coffin’s location like it’s a package we can’t wait to get in the mail.
My girlfriend broke up with me because I kept saying “it’s a-me” before introducing myself to people
[On the phone with my MIL while the kids are staying with her for several days]
MIL: So, do you think you could be an empty nester?
Me (In bed at 10:30am with a package of Oreos scrolling Twitter): Oh I don’t know, I would miss them so much