Being an aunt is easier than being a mom. All fun. No disciplining. And I get to hand the kids back.
*working out*
this is so much worse than i thought
I keep rearranging my home office just to throw off everyone on the work video calls.
People don’t know this but there’s no section in the criminal code that prohibits you from training pigeons to pick pocket tourists.
babe is everything okay? you’ve barely touched your pile of hundreds of elaborate projects you start but never finish
I planned to leave my body to the local medical school for them to train on and practice with, but the students successfully petitioned against it as a gross violation of their human rights.
My safe word is extra cheese
…in queso emergency.
My 4yo is asserting dominance by calling me by my full name. I don’t like where this is going
Good boy 😂😂
Poor Charles. Imagine being 73 years old and getting your first job.
“Hey Alexa, didn’t I unplug you?”
Alexa: *cackles maniacally*
This is a whole mood;
[Chocolate Cake 101]
Sober: Use a fork
Stoned: Use your fingers
Drunk: Use your face
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
William Shakespeare never hugged or cuddled. Lovers called him the “No Holds Bard”.