people always talk about how they love to sit in their cars for a while once they get home. whenever i do that, my uber driver yells at me
If you make it through life without being portrayed in a murder documentary, take the win.
My workout was getting me down so i filled my Swiss ball with helium
I held my friend’s baby today and I heard my uterus whispering, “put the baby down and no one will get hurt”.
My boss to a new applicant: You never get a second chance to make a first impression right?
Me about to inflict some post traumatic amnesia on him with a computer monitor: ʷᵉ’ˡˡ ˢᵉᵉ ᵃᵇᵒᵘᵗ ᵗʰᵃᵗ.
I don’t have a favorite vampire. If you ask me, they all suck.
My kid upon learning his actual name is Charles and not Charlie
Why did the skeleton go to the barbecue?
To get another rib.
Maybe the wolf from The Neverending Story still has nightmares about me, too.
JUDGE: You’re going to a maximum-security prison.
ME: Good, that makes me feel safe.
man: want a carrot?
horse: ok.
man: we’re friends now right.
horse: i guess.
man: great hey can you help me move.
I just took my uncle Kevin for his Covid jab. A barely noticeable prick but someone had to take him.
My 8yo (a qualitative soul): How cool is THAT!!
Me (a quantitative soul): *reaches for thermometer*
job interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness
me: that I need money. imagine if I was adequately funded? my god. the carnage
The rain is pouring. So naturally it’s a good day to eat 6 donuts.