Detective slams his hands flat on the table:
You need to tell us what you know!Me: I don’t gossip.
I make eating corn on the cob fun for everybody at the bbq by eating it in rows typewriter style and saying ‘ding’ loudly at the end of each row.
“You can’t scare me, you’re not my wife who I left on read for 2 hours”
– my husband right now, probably
police bust open my trunk. it’s full of potatoes. i’ve done nothing wrong.
When your lack of sheepdog experience is cruelly exposed on your first day.
found out today that in my 7-unit “no pets allowed” apartment building, I am the only one without a cat. I’ve been surrounded by secret cats this whole time
It’s so condescending when self-defense instructors tell you to never go to a second location with your kidnapper, like, sir, do you even understand how a kidnapping works? I’m not trying to go ANYWHERE
trying to cheat on my philosophy final by texting my friend who took it last year: “hey man, how ought one to live”
Not sure to be insulted or not, but I cleared out a room of coworkers just by announcing
“I have a plan, trust me”
Proud of my 9yo, who took 9 whole years to learn where we keep the dish towels.
Canadian girls wear sundresses all year round. Sometimes it’s just underneath flannel.
Someone hire this dog for the next Oceans movie
Dinosaurs, consider yourselves avenged
Yes, let’s group-edit this 3 page Word doc line-by-line on a conference call. That seems efficient.
Finished my book on how to fall down the stairs, it’s a step by step guide.