I got groceries delivered from Safeway and there was a mix up where instead of hand soap and dish detergent I got a bag with 4 jars of salsa, I’m over here washing my hands with salsa and somewhere else in the city there’s a chips n’ soap party going on
He asked me to use smaller words, so I pat him on the head as I said “bye-bye”.
If my coworker doesn’t stop asking questions on this Zoom meeting I will drive across town and slap his face on the call.
I think lawyers would be a lot cooler if you could just hire them to help you plan your heist.
Lawyer: If you get caught it’s only 6 mo. Instead of 20 yrs. If you do it this way.
Me: What about the repelling from the ceiling part?
Lawyer: Keep that, it’s badass!
For Lent, I am giving up “JESUS”.
PS: To be clear, I won’t use his name as my first attempt on Wordle for the next 40 days.
It must be such a rush to be a predator and feel the need to chase and catch something while at the SAME TIME thinking “That looks delicious.”
Like imagine if donuts could run.
At an Italian restaurant for dinner with my 5 yo. She got visibly annoyed that the parmesan cheese wasn’t coming out of the shaker fast enough, unscrewed the cap and dumped a mound on her plate. And just like that she already embodies the spirit of women getting sh*t done.
Fishing for compliments like “I’m a mess in this photo that I took all morning to get the right angle and filter and after 50 selfies this is me”.
My mom: sure use any towel.
Also my mom: not that one.
We found Max..
#MyFebruaryAccomplishment
“I’m just playing devil’s advocate here.” Ok why are you helping the devil?
Hey, did you know that if you leave clean clothes on the floor for long enough they become dirty clothes?
If I run my fingers through your hair, I’m not being romantic… I’m probably just trying to get chicken wing grease off my hands
I’ve been learning to cook.
I watched a woman clean her whole house on YouTube today, in case you thought I lacked ambition.