There is so much going on in this video … I don’t know who to focus on 😂😂😂 hilarious
I left my Hoover in the garage and raccoons broke in and angrily destroyed it
I guess it’s true — nature abhors a vacuum
It’s funny how when you’re at work, “Go to hell” comes out as “No problem.”
The question I ask myself most often is, “What would a jury think about this?”
If I didn’t have an imaginary friend as a child does it mean that somewhere at some point in time I WAS the imaginary friend?
I just need you to see the stairs in an apartment I viewed. Am I a mountain goat?
Yo wtf…just saw a stat that said only 30-50% of people have an internal dialogue. There’s really 50%+ of the population out here walking around with NOTHING going on in their head?? Everything is starting to make much more sense
Me: I have the hiccups. You know what that means.
Wife: You’re about to get mad?
Me: That’s right. If they’re not gone in the next 15 minutes, I’m buying a gun.
You’re in his DMs, I’m outside his window with a JBL speaker streaming Taylor Swift.
He jumped out of the airplane wearing nothing but the hand knitted parachute that his Nanna made especially for him.
My kids publicly asked Santa for a baby brother, and my husband and I publicly yelled for him to “SHUT IT DOWN NOW, SANTA!”
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: can I give some feedback?
me: what did I just say
2022 appliances: *break within 2 years*
1970s refrigerator: i will outlive u and everyone u love. i am eternal. i am time itself
Beatles albums are like “I’m going to give you one of the most soaring, emotional songs you’ve ever heard” and then the next track is like “doo doo doo! Mr Man and his Silly Hat went for a walk!”
Soccer I love when they hold up the sign and a brand new beautiful boy takes the place of a dirty sweaty ruined one