Me: *Goes outside to take out the trash only wearing underwear.
(Because 6 ft high privacy fence, goddamnit).
Neighbour: *on ladder* “Hi!”We need to move
One cake enters. No cake leaves.
scientist: I’m gonna watch people sleep and count how many spiders they eat in a year
If you are thinking about leaving Twitter because so many of your old friends have already left, remember I’m still here. And that’s another good reason to leave
*waving two guns around menacingly*
WHO TOOK BACK THEIR ‘LIKES’ FROM MY SELFIE
My son just called his mom an “interrupting chicken” so I’m real keen to see how this plays out
Teacher: what do you call an alligator in a vest
Nobody:
Me: An investigator
there are two types of people in the world, those who have to go to Walmart, and those who get to go to Walmart.
You know before I had kids I was only vaguely aware that Saturday had a 7am.
*shows up to the cool people party with the bag of coke I promised
Just why bro?!
Why do I have all these cookie pans. I don’t even bake.
Went out of town, came back and the roomba changed all the locks
Frantically searches office for glasses that have been on top of my head all along
they say tomatoes are good for my prostate but they’re way too squishy to get up in there