Me: How was schoo—
5yo: LUNCH WAS CHEESE PIZZA AS BIG AS MY FACE. THEY HAVE IT EVERY DAY THIS WEEK.
Me: So it was—
5yo: I LOVE IT HERE. FIVE STARS
I was out on a walk when I saw a sign that said, “Man wanted for robbery.”
So I went in and applied for the job.
when i’m president, i will add an additional hour between 6 and 7pm
If an attacker broke into my house and & I was hiding, all they’d have to do is fart.
I’d giggle and give myself away immediately.
Wife: WHERE IS THE PACK OF HERSHEY BARS I WAS GOING TO USE FOR S’MORES
Me [mouth full, face covered in chocolate]: we wer gunna haf smors?!
You’re an adult – you can eat the whole tube of toothpaste if you want to. No one can stop you
I may forget what I opened the fridge for but I remember every time anyone has ever wronged me
A Lunar Eclipse that Flat-Earthers have never seen.
