girl broke up with me for talking like a old timey gangster. driving way too fast bc I’m so upset. Wouldn’t be surprised if the brass buttons turned the cherries on and pulled me over
[David Attenborough watching me trying to chase down an ice cream truck in my flip flops] Astounding
Visiting the cinema back in the day and asked to see “12 Monkeys”. The person serving me asked “How many?”, to which I genuinely replied with some confusion “12?”. Still makes me laugh and cringe in equal measure.
Me: How was schoo—
5yo: LUNCH WAS CHEESE PIZZA AS BIG AS MY FACE. THEY HAVE IT EVERY DAY THIS WEEK.
Me: So it was—
5yo: I LOVE IT HERE. FIVE STARS
I was out on a walk when I saw a sign that said, “Man wanted for robbery.”
So I went in and applied for the job.
when i’m president, i will add an additional hour between 6 and 7pm
If an attacker broke into my house and & I was hiding, all they’d have to do is fart.
I’d giggle and give myself away immediately.
Wife: WHERE IS THE PACK OF HERSHEY BARS I WAS GOING TO USE FOR S’MORES
Me [mouth full, face covered in chocolate]: we wer gunna haf smors?!