Just reported my neighbors to Belgian authorities because they have a dog named Waffle.
I live with my husband, and my 14 y.o. son. I have learned that if I want to hide anything in our house all I need to do is put it behind something else and they’ll never find it.
Is Craigslist still around, or did everyone over there get murdered?
I’m so lazy that I’ll break my tooth trying to get this tag off before I get up and get a scissor.
Dora: “Swiper, no swiping!”
Swiper (on Tinder): …
My girlfriend told me to put the quart container of turkey gravy in the fridge door. I told her “nobody puts gravy in a corner.”
6: you’re going 75
Me: I am, but it’s the speed limit
6: that’s 7 groups of ten and 5 ones. That’s almost 100!
Me: …please don’t tell your teacher I was going almost 100 on the highway
Me: I’m not gonna go crazy this year
Also me: cooks 85 dishes for Thanksgiving and wonders why there are so many leftovers
Been asking what IDGAF means and so far I can’t say people’s responses have been that helpful
masseuse: I can tell you hold a lot of tension in your shoulders. Do you sit at a desk all day?
pilot: we’re approaching 30,000 feet
me, looking out window nervously: what are they doing up here
at my girlfriend’s house for thanksgiving and i asked if we could watch the game and she said “of course!” then put on a gossip girl thanksgiving episode
it is time once again. all hail the thanksgiving tube
Maybe women decided to convince men that beards were sexy because they were sick of cleaning the washbasin after he shaved
Guys with no personality that want to come across as “edgy”
“tHe bEaTLeS wErE oVeRaTeD”