Kids really be like, it’s too much work to load the dishwasher but let me try to balance this plate on top of this 2 foot stack of glasses, pots and pans in the sink
[being dragged out of a Spice Girls concert] AND SPORTY ISN’T AN ACTUAL SPICE EITHER
financial advisor: what are your retirement goals?
me:
oh you love me? name every curb i’ve ever hit while driving
just once I want a doctor to ask if I’ve been eating enough potatoes
Why are they called fireflies and not Bugs Lightrear?
Increase your odds of your pickup lines working by adding “and there’s pizza” at the end.
Helter Skelter is my favorite song about my eyebrows
Look for the opportunities in life. Like when nobody’s looking and you can finally address that wedgie.
Rooting for the overdog
Do pretentious people know they’re pretentious? A question I would pose to the great Sigmund Freud, had he not died in London in 1939.
Stop with the DiCaprio jokes. They’re getting old.
Husband: Let’s coordinate a time when we can go to the gym together.
Me: There’s a weights class I’ve been wanting to try.
Husband: You could use some cardio too.
*****
Services will be held at 7pm/6 Central. In lieu of flowers, please donate to your local pet shelter.
[Men’s Deodorant Scent]
Pure Swagger for 72 hours Steel Cage Match Wrestling a Half Man Half Crocodile like Creature[Women’s Deodorant Scent]
Lavender