I’m not a very religious person…until it’s 94 degrees and the power goes out.
At that point I pray to every god, savior and deity from that “COEXIST” bumper sticker.
I would never bite my own toenails. That’s so disgusting. I only bite other people’s toenails.
[ DEATH CERTIFICATE ]
Cause of Death: Sent girlfriend Eye Roll Emoji
I don’t “make friends”. I get adopted by extroverts and they make me do things.
Treat your SO like your cell phone. Even if you’re not paying attention to them, keep them safe in your pocket
5 year old: Mommy, I traded 31 emeralds for 41 bread!
Me: Cool! I just did that at Whole Foods
Two rotisserie chickens.
One for chicken noodle soup and the other as a backup for when you eat the one you wanted to put into the soup.
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
Ya know when you buy a bag of of salad and it gets all brown and crusty…. cookies don’t do that
Who did it better?
My cousin stuffed her turkey and put it in her oven, which is not turned on, with the intention to store it there overnight rather than the fridge. “There’s no room.”
This is why you can’t eat just anybody’s food.
This time tomorrow that whole household will be at the ER.
Every time my kids start whining I get the urge to call my mom and apologize
I love you, but you’re not stepping foot into my home with even a speck of glitter.
Mud season creeps up on us every year, destroying hearts and minds as well as light grey carpeting.
Sex at 20: yes baby rearrange my guts
Sex at 40: be careful my gut is still a little bloated from all those bread sticks