I love you, but you’re not stepping foot into my home with even a speck of glitter.
Mud season creeps up on us every year, destroying hearts and minds as well as light grey carpeting.
Sex at 20: yes baby rearrange my guts
Sex at 40: be careful my gut is still a little bloated from all those bread sticks
for $5 ill facetime you on thanksgiving and pretend to be your gf that cant make it because i accidentally went to four seasons total landscaping
*how fights start*
me (doing crossword): what’s a 7 letter word for evident
him: it’s obvious
me: if it was that obvious, I wouldn’t be asking would I
‘oh there’s not a big enough piece of cheese left to grate I’ll just eat this last bit’ *shoves 2/3 of a mozzarella ball in my mouth*
me: aren’t you too old for a high chair
lifeguard: please go away
“I know it takes an egg and sperm to make a baby, but how do they mix together?”
– My 7yo, right before I received that urgent phone call
Nothing like that magical moment when you find your 7yo playing quietly in his room, ‘cause he just brought in real bugs to feed his imaginary lizard.
Adopt your boss.
They can’t tell you what to do if they’re grounded.
this mf tried to spell arrangatangs with an o
Me: Not today Satan
Satan: Good cause I can’t deal with your shit right now
My neighbor gave me $50 to get my squeaking door fixed because he couldn’t stand it anymore… and so begins my life as a sugar baby
If your drinking story doesn’t involve law enforcement, I’m not listening.
Thinking about Jeff
