My wife took our kids to the aquarium the other day and then our 5yo asked me if one weekend I could “take us to outer space”
I don’t need TV dramas, I just need Amazon product reviews
[someone says a word I’ve never heard before]
Me: *nods in agreement*
This is why you don’t eat at everybody house
Ok but actually
Oh, I’ll take your precious “bribe” but you should be ashamed of yourself. Also, thanks.
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
My daughter now associates height with age and refuses to believe I could be older than someone that’s 5’5”
I had a cat called key key meow so I am willing to help name your baby just ask
Things that are more painful to step on than a Lego:
1. A gas pedal
I miss being the age where the most devastating thing in the world was when my sandwiches got cut into squares instead of triangles.
20% of being the BBC Wimbledon presenter is telling people what other telly programmes have been cancelled.
pantsless bc the day after international women’s day means women are half off
BARISTA: Thanks for coming. Enjoy your coffee!
ME: Thanks. You too!
BARISTA: You too? Oh no. Not again.
*pours ninth cup of coffee for the day and drinks it while excitedly sobbing
people always love to claim that a celebrity’s death is “unexpected” but they never actually release the data on which celebrities they expected to die that day