Leaving wrapping paper and a bow on my living room floor for my Roomba’s birthday
My Uber driver: (quiet, minding their own business)
Me: are you mad at me?
Mom in the 90’s: We need to get you a light coat and warm pants for fall.
Me, showing up to school the next day:
When someone says they’ve been married for 20 beautiful years, I like to ask them “so how many years total?”
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
opening twitter today
I’m 5’4″ – if I was supposed to be the bigger person, God would have made me taller
13: I’m hungry… can I have a snack?
Me: what do you want?
13: what do we have?
Me: the same things we always have
13: like what tho
Stairway to heaven vs highway to hell, sounds to me like being bad scores you wheels in the afterlife
In horror flicks, people say “hello?” when they hear something like a voice is going to reply, “oh hey, it’s me, the murderer.”
I recycle jokes because I care about the environment, Samantha.
I cannot wear white, things like cereal, soup and pens randomly attack me.
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
Cereal box mascots would destroy sports team mascots in a fight and it wouldn’t even be close
Found a great app on my phone that I’d forgotten about that shows what you’ll look like as an old person.
It’s called “Camera”.