I used to be afraid of death by spontaneous combustion until my wife reminded me I’ve never done anything spontaneous in my life.
If I die my ghost better come back and do some laundry so I have some clean sheets to wear
I just want the confidence of my teen who replied “Who’s this?” to a guy who texted her after ghosting her for a month.
*wonders if people named Mike shout “mic drop” instead of “parkour” when they fall over
Told my 56-year-old coworker that I’m a bit anti-social and he said “yeah I noticed that about you, you don’t necessarily light up a room”
About to throw up
“But it’s my only vice” I say to myself as I do my 13th unhealthy thing for the day
i’ve never successfully skipped a stone. just thrown a lot of rocks straight into water. harassed a lot of fish i guess
Explaining hardcore to my sister:
“Some bands yell their own name in the song and it goes SO HARD.”
My sister: “Like, ‘Shakira, Shakira?'”
Hiring a mortician to do my makeup while I sleep
Remember the first day of school when you’d show up with your pencil case, your rucksack and your Flash Speed Mop?
My girlfriend keeps asking me how I’m feeling once in a while like I’m fine are you slowly poisoning me?
