i’ve never successfully skipped a stone. just thrown a lot of rocks straight into water. harassed a lot of fish i guess
Explaining hardcore to my sister:
“Some bands yell their own name in the song and it goes SO HARD.”
My sister: “Like, ‘Shakira, Shakira?'”
Hiring a mortician to do my makeup while I sleep
Remember the first day of school when you’d show up with your pencil case, your rucksack and your Flash Speed Mop?
My girlfriend keeps asking me how I’m feeling once in a while like I’m fine are you slowly poisoning me?
What’s the point buying it then?
Me: *making tea*
Also me 6 minutes later: what the hell is that whistling sound?!
Growing up my half brother convinced me the family of ginger kids in the next street – me also being ginger – were from my Dad’s previous marriage, but told me not to tell anyone. When Dad died I visited them to let them know. You could imagine the confusion as the lie unfolded
Noticed that 9/11 and Friday the 13th are both next week and briefly had the dumb thought “it’ll be weird when they fall on the same day.”
Called in, “Covered in Vicks VapoRub. Taking a menthol health day.”
Me- Are you ready for school?
13- I don’t need school, I’m smarter than Shakespeare. Wait, was that a real guy?
Me- I’ll meet you in the car