Sauron: I made everyone cheese bagel bites
Middle Earth: Yay
Sauron: [makes his own bagel bite, but this time, with all the toppings]
I think my wife got us a babysitter because she didn’t think I’d sit on the baby correctly
This raises questions
My neighbor won a hay show. Hay like in grass that livestock eats. There’s a show for it
Okay kid, here’s the context. Each of your toes is a pig. I’m going to grab them, one by one, and tell you what each one did. I know, it’s weird, just roll with it.
2: ok
Do you prefer to travel by gravy train or gravy boat
Boss: Can I have a word with you?
Me: umbrella
#ISeeNoPointIn trying to do bunny ears as a joke
Things that keep me up at night #6874
The time my mother decided to be a wing woman (wing aunt?) for my cousin at my uncle’s funeral…
People who would say “I can’t believe it’s not butter” are the same people who support all those Nigerian princes.
“you recording!?”
just a heads-up any of you wander onto my property and say “hi! i’m from twitter!” i’m turning on the sprinklers
Which undead creature most enjoys playing hide-and-seek?
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A wherewolf.#happyhalloween
Oceans 11? When I went to school there were just 5
Sugar in the bloodstream, I’m the world’s problem now.