the end of twitter is taking forever did tolkien write this
Once again, I’ve been asked to bring the bag of ice to the family Thanksgiving dinner.
For $100 I will FaceTime you in scrubs on Thanksgiving and pretend to be your boyfriend that couldn’t make it because he had to work in the hospital
My friends tinder conversation PLEASE ✋🏼😭😭😭
when hoodie season starts don’t ask me if i’m wearing anything under because this is what imma do
wife: did you vacuum under the couch
me: yep I did the whole basement
The History Channel; because where else are you going to learn about how aliens were instrumental in the development of humanity?
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
My 4yr old has started prefaceing questions with, “but don’t say no” and he’s got a lot to learn about disappointment
Returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
Not right now, protecting the 50 lb pit bull from the scary washing machine.
My dog just tracked and successfully located a folium lanceolatum, more commonly known as a leaf.
Own two different pasta machines.
still make cup noodles with the Keurig.
*Googles: How to fake your own death and erase existence before 9am monday morning.
Overheard in hair salon: “I have LITERALLY no shorts. Like I seriously have only 4 or 5 pairs of shorts.”
This is why I can’t stand people.