If you make fun of my messy car, don’t come crying to me when you need 350 hot empty water bottles.
Son: Smell me. Do you think I should shower?
Me: Yes.
Son: But you didn’t smell me.
Me: Yes.
Me to my dog: Stop barking now.
My dog: BUT EVERYTHING IS A FOX!
Me: It’s ok.
Dog: I WILL PROTECT YOU, IDIOT!
At night
Me: wow I finally found the best sleeping position!
My body: we need to pee.
Nothing prepares you for the day your adult son starts sharing sexual jokes in the family group text.
If the US ends up in a civil war the history books will be insane, like did you read about the Battle of Burger King? You didn’t?! Let me tell ya, it was a whopper
Here’s a large bag of googly eyes. Paste them on literally everything.
– me as a therapist
(Gaming support cat.)
Sometimes I feel like people on Facebook share things as a way of saying “Here’s this horrible story I saw today. I hope it makes you feel like shit also.”
My work here is don’t.
God: did you name the 2 moons of Mars?
angel: yes, Phobos & Deimos
[turns to 2nd angel]
God: and, what did you name earth’s moon?
angel 2: oh! ummm? the…Moon 🤷♂️
If I add up all the cheese I ate this year, you’d think I’m actually made of moon.
5: There’s a werewolf in my closet.
Me: Nah. Werewolves don’t live in closets.
5: Where do werewolves live?
Me: Um…warehouses.
I’m a dad so I love talking about meat rubs but I’m also a 14yo so I giggle inside when I do.
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down unearthly monsters
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?