[Ocean’s 14]
Danny Ocean: We’re going to steal the world’s largest ball of twine
My 4 year old just said, “if you give me gold fish this will be a lot easier for you”
Don’t you want this to be easier for you?
-Gangster – level 3
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
If you haven’t been to the Grand Canyon, I highly recommend it. It’s just gorges
While a leaf blower is a close second, my preferred cleaner is a flamethrower.
10: Mom.
Me: What!! It’s late.
10: Beds are basically wireless chargers for humans.
Just blocked a guy for accusing me of being “all talk”. On Twitter.
Brad Pitt wears a skirt and he breaks the internet. I wear one and the HOA is all, “Cease and desist!” and “You’re hurting our eyeballs!” and “You are uninvited to the pancake breakfast!”
Your reply guys are like Pooh Bear. They wear no pants and are relentlessly trying to get in your honeypot.
“I’m a real hipster.” He said, as his mustache fell off into his cold brew.
Stop legislating morality, instead of serving size just TELL us what the whole party size bag of Tostitos calorie count would be FFS
throwing someone under the bus sounds hard, let’s just sell ’em down the river and call it a day.
I just bit into a dorito and had a piece of cool ranch seasoning fly into my eye and blind me and make me scream like I was being burned with acid so maybe don’t let me on your apocalypse survival team
Nearly choked on a carrot and a donut would never do that to me.
The worst part about getting Covid was losing my ability to smell what The Rock was cooking. 😕