My dog just tracked and successfully located a folium lanceolatum, more commonly known as a leaf.
Own two different pasta machines.
still make cup noodles with the Keurig.
*Googles: How to fake your own death and erase existence before 9am monday morning.
Overheard in hair salon: “I have LITERALLY no shorts. Like I seriously have only 4 or 5 pairs of shorts.”
This is why I can’t stand people.
Sauron: I made everyone cheese bagel bites
Middle Earth: Yay
Sauron: [makes his own bagel bite, but this time, with all the toppings]
I think my wife got us a babysitter because she didn’t think I’d sit on the baby correctly
This raises questions
My neighbor won a hay show. Hay like in grass that livestock eats. There’s a show for it
Okay kid, here’s the context. Each of your toes is a pig. I’m going to grab them, one by one, and tell you what each one did. I know, it’s weird, just roll with it.
2: ok
Do you prefer to travel by gravy train or gravy boat
Boss: Can I have a word with you?
Me: umbrella
#ISeeNoPointIn trying to do bunny ears as a joke
Things that keep me up at night #6874
The time my mother decided to be a wing woman (wing aunt?) for my cousin at my uncle’s funeral…
People who would say “I can’t believe it’s not butter” are the same people who support all those Nigerian princes.
“you recording!?”