just a heads-up any of you wander onto my property and say “hi! i’m from twitter!” i’m turning on the sprinklers
Which undead creature most enjoys playing hide-and-seek?
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A wherewolf.#happyhalloween
Oceans 11? When I went to school there were just 5
Sugar in the bloodstream, I’m the world’s problem now.
[Ocean’s 14]
Danny Ocean: We’re going to steal the world’s largest ball of twine
My 4 year old just said, “if you give me gold fish this will be a lot easier for you”
Don’t you want this to be easier for you?
-Gangster – level 3
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
If you haven’t been to the Grand Canyon, I highly recommend it. It’s just gorges
While a leaf blower is a close second, my preferred cleaner is a flamethrower.
10: Mom.
Me: What!! It’s late.
10: Beds are basically wireless chargers for humans.
Just blocked a guy for accusing me of being “all talk”. On Twitter.
Brad Pitt wears a skirt and he breaks the internet. I wear one and the HOA is all, “Cease and desist!” and “You’re hurting our eyeballs!” and “You are uninvited to the pancake breakfast!”
Your reply guys are like Pooh Bear. They wear no pants and are relentlessly trying to get in your honeypot.
“I’m a real hipster.” He said, as his mustache fell off into his cold brew.
Stop legislating morality, instead of serving size just TELL us what the whole party size bag of Tostitos calorie count would be FFS