throwing someone under the bus sounds hard, let’s just sell ’em down the river and call it a day.
I just bit into a dorito and had a piece of cool ranch seasoning fly into my eye and blind me and make me scream like I was being burned with acid so maybe don’t let me on your apocalypse survival team
Nearly choked on a carrot and a donut would never do that to me.
The worst part about getting Covid was losing my ability to smell what The Rock was cooking. 😕
My wife almost fell down the stairs today and that got us into a heated argument whether my gasp was out of concern or excitement.
Seriously, if you go to Central or South America to visit ancient ruins and you don’t dress as Indiana Jones, what’s even the point? Bonus points if you can get the whip through customs.
Sure it was spent alone in a desert hut, but Obi Wan basically wore a bathrobe for 19 years and I have nothing but respect.
#FeaturesIWishMyHouseHad
Wish it had walls
Tell me I’d look good in a potato sack or lose me forever
Hi. I didn’t mean to “like” your tweet. I was scraping dried jelly off my phone
*controversially folds piece of paper lengthwise*
Spilling a full alcoholic drink you’ve already paid for is the grownup version of loosing a balloon.
#AmazingFacts #Tuesday #RubbishJokes
new challenge called “don’t say ‘woow it’s already dark by five these days’ for the rest of winter” challenge
Funny Quote of the Day: “If your parents never had children, chances are… neither will you.” – Dick Cavett
When I was a kid I thought shrimp cocktails had alcohol in them and I thought it was such a weird way to get drunk