tryna choke on gummy bears so my tombstone can read killed by a bear
When life gives you lemons maybe think to yourself, “that’s really quite remarkable given how far I live from a climate capable of growing citrus.”
i don’t “get” knights. i’m not calling some guy sir just because an old lady that eats beans for breakfast tapped him with a sword
Doing stand up comedy feels like I’m doing a book report on a book I didn’t read.
DAD i can’t stay with your wife in same home.. she’s hiding all my snacks.
Happy Halloween 🎃
Can y’all please stop posting obi-wan spoilers? I’m not going to watch it I just don’t want to hear about it anymore.
I shouldn’t be laughing probably but that is hilarious
*puts on workout clothes*
*opens a jumbo size bag of Doritos*
If you tell my dog he’s getting a treat and forget, he will stalk you until you remember. We came in an hour ago and I just figured out why he’s been following me around and staring at me like I’m made of bacon.
Snowed in overnight at an old Shining-esque ski resort avoiding all mirrors, twins, mazes and Jack lookalikes.
I might not be able to speak another language but I can speak English slower!
Today’s Times
Women: Be smart. Don’t do this.
My favorite pirate song is “Aye of the Tiger”