oh frick my wife just asked me to bring 10 pages of my best “husbanding” to the living room for a review
Part of fatherhood is becoming an expert in some obscure topic and teaching it to your children who stopped listening 30 minutes ago.
Me: I’m PMSing and everyone bugs me.
Husband: You should do the Calm app.
Me: You should do the STFU app.
babe wake up, the chili discourse on Twitter has an update. someone made a deranged 30 tweet thread about carrots being in the chili despite there being no carro- babe no, babe stay awake, babe plea-
still laughing at the idea that the reason someone orders pizza delivery every day is they can’t afford bowls
Im on my burner commenting “thank you for normalizing nose hair !” on his girlfriends tiktoks
“I’m hungover”
– Lame
– Big deal
– Get off the couch“The gods have punished me for my indulgences”
– Oh damn
– That sounds serious
– Shall I prepare a healing poultice?
My Uber driver was acting shady and I told him I’m not in the mood to kidnapped he said okay 😭😭😭
This going into the office stuff blows. Like, I seriously have to wear clothes now.
6: *Watching kids yoga on YouTube*
Video: Ok, let’s do the Downward Facing Dog.
12: Ew! Uh…..um…..*keeps side eyeing me*
Me: *Making direct eye contact with 12* It’s a yoga pose. What did YOU think it was??
12: I…uh…..*runs away*
Iron: you’re always trying to turn me into something I’m not!
Blacksmith:
I don’t know why “you made your bed now lie in it” is a bad thing. It sounds great! I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
It’s weird how horses can run so fast but still suck at every other sport.
I just want someone to miss me the way my 3 year old nephew misses me when I go to the washroom.
Conflicts may arise but always remember to be the bitter person.