When the app is running smoothly, no one acknowledges the developers. But when it glitches for two seconds, suddenly we’re the most popular guys in the building.
[first day as assassin]
mob boss: we need you to take care of someone
me: *spends next 25 years feeding & clothing a chap called dutch tony*
I’m not calling anyone daddy unless I’m asking for money for the mall.
I used to be afraid of death by spontaneous combustion until my wife reminded me I’ve never done anything spontaneous in my life.
If I die my ghost better come back and do some laundry so I have some clean sheets to wear
I just want the confidence of my teen who replied “Who’s this?” to a guy who texted her after ghosting her for a month.
*wonders if people named Mike shout “mic drop” instead of “parkour” when they fall over
Told my 56-year-old coworker that I’m a bit anti-social and he said “yeah I noticed that about you, you don’t necessarily light up a room”
About to throw up
“But it’s my only vice” I say to myself as I do my 13th unhealthy thing for the day
i’ve never successfully skipped a stone. just thrown a lot of rocks straight into water. harassed a lot of fish i guess
Explaining hardcore to my sister:
“Some bands yell their own name in the song and it goes SO HARD.”
My sister: “Like, ‘Shakira, Shakira?'”
Hiring a mortician to do my makeup while I sleep
Remember the first day of school when you’d show up with your pencil case, your rucksack and your Flash Speed Mop?
