AHHH!!! Don’t look at our website with a website browser!! We’ll DIE ! Use our app!!!!!! click this!!
[button that does not open the app, redirects to the app store]
if you guys saw this outside of a bar, would you come in? please be honest
Person in murder documentary: This is a small town. Things like this don’t happen here.
Me: Um, based on the shows I watch, that’s ALL that happens in small towns.
Hey sorry I cant make it tonight. I am beset on all sides by foes
Shout out to everyone who cooks at 180°C for 20 minutes, no matter what the instructions say.
soft launching your call out the next day by telling everyone at work your stomach feels a little weird
Managing expectations
Urban Dictionary defines Heck:
Where you go if you don’t believe in Gosh.
Been trying to eat healthier. Saw this sign and was just like “damn. I sure do.”
Husband: Why aren’t you and the kids outside? It’s beautiful outside!
Me: It’s pretty beautiful inside, too.
can’t believe there’s a whole clinic for mayonnaise
say hello: the new iphone will be able to make phone calls
Remembered my dad suddenly. I had an argument with him – said he saw a Dodo Bird once in the 1970s. I told him that was impossible. He said he saw the fucking thing. Our family thought we were arguing about politics or something. Nope. Dodo Bird. Anyway I believe him now.
Friend: When did you fall in love with your husband?
Me: When he called it, “Wash your sister sauce.”