it’s rude to tell someone they’re incorrect. A more polite response is, “Did you know you’re incorrect?”
i pretend i don’t care about stuff but that’s only because i have no idea what’s going on around me at any given time.
I hear they’re banning honking up there in Canada. Those geese are gonna be pissed…
Doctors who give out lollipops really treat their patients
I’ve said some things, and if I could take them back I would, but if it’s not too late, I’d like my sub toasted
the ideal man is always thinking of several cool things at once (throwing a football really far, a truck with big wheels, giving a lot of high fives)
Schools need to start doing pictures on the first day. It’s the only day I remember to try to make my kids look presentable.
Eating vegetables after a failed attempt at picking up your shirt with your toes.
*whispers* forlorn corn.
I wasn’t planning on moving, but I was just invited to the neighborhood fall potluck, so I guess now I have no choice.
My favorite genre of tweet is “person born after I graduated college feels old”
Chad Kroeger from Nickelback loves taking part in nativity plays. He has played Joseph, the Inn Keeper and even the back end of a donkey.
But he’s never made it as a wise man.
I’m not getting fatter. I’m increasing my content.
They say there’s no such thing as a stupid question but then they’ll go and wake you up to ask if you’re asleep.
okay since everyone else is doing it I’m gonna drop all my favorite saved tweets from my “shit that makes me laugh” folder, starting with a classic
Oh boy, $150,000!
