In-laws going home a day early because I had the audacity to throw away “a good box.”
I never judge a book by its cover.
People, though, I can tell are evil by their stupid faces.
Might make a living will because I don’t want my family deciding whether to pull the plug. My dad has a long history of being against wasting electricity.
You never realize how many curse words are in a song till you play it for your family
it’s rude to tell someone they’re incorrect. A more polite response is, “Did you know you’re incorrect?”
i pretend i don’t care about stuff but that’s only because i have no idea what’s going on around me at any given time.
I hear they’re banning honking up there in Canada. Those geese are gonna be pissed…
Doctors who give out lollipops really treat their patients
I’ve said some things, and if I could take them back I would, but if it’s not too late, I’d like my sub toasted
the ideal man is always thinking of several cool things at once (throwing a football really far, a truck with big wheels, giving a lot of high fives)
Schools need to start doing pictures on the first day. It’s the only day I remember to try to make my kids look presentable.
Eating vegetables after a failed attempt at picking up your shirt with your toes.
*whispers* forlorn corn.
I wasn’t planning on moving, but I was just invited to the neighborhood fall potluck, so I guess now I have no choice.
My favorite genre of tweet is “person born after I graduated college feels old”
Chad Kroeger from Nickelback loves taking part in nativity plays. He has played Joseph, the Inn Keeper and even the back end of a donkey.
But he’s never made it as a wise man.