Me, day twenty of law school:
Your diligence, the prosecution rests.
Judge: Counselor, for the third time…you are the defense.
Me: Shit! Can I go again?
Guy 1: guess I shouldn’t get in the water
Guy 2: why
Guy 2: well it’s shark week
Guy 1: that’s…that’s not what shark week is
Citizen: We need your help!
Sailor Moon: Okay! Let me just change.
*20 mins later*
Sailor Moon: I’m ready!
Citizen: Everyone’s dead.
Wanna spice up your marriage? Say this with a serious face.
Keep your friends close and your enemies buried beneath your floorboards
I’ve been a foodie my whole life. When I was little I even added nutmeg to the paste before I ate it.
14: Mom, you’re like the youngest mom in my grade. So how far apart are we in age?
Me: I had you when I was 24.
14: So we’re like 10 years apart.
Watching a movie and this guy just shoved three dead bodies into a trunk and all I could think was, “That’s some serious storage. What kind of car is that?”
So my question to you is, do I have to start wearing New Balance and cargo shorts now?
I got dumped by my therapist, she said “ she needs to work on her”
Tom Cruise turns 60 Sunday. The reason he looks so young is because he donated half his age to Scientology.
If I ever become a ghost, I’m gonna go back and haunt college me. Tell him to hydrate.
i would like to meet the marketing/branding team that goes to work every morning, satisfied that this is the logo that represents their business
My last husband’s name is Don. I just added an E to it and walked away.
We’ve got some pretty upscale, sophisticated people coming over tonight, so I’m putting out the classy spittoon.
The only thing we need to bring back is duels.