I won $6 on a scratch-off last night. Out of my way, peasants!
Just said “shitted feet” instead of fitted sheet in front of my my son and four of his friends.
If you need me, I’ll be in the closet
My ex-husband’s mother invited me to lunch for my birthday and tbh, I’d rather be torn apart by wolverines and thrown into a vat of acid so naturally, I told her I’d check my schedule.
Some of these fake tans look like an old Tupperware container that’s had marinara sauce in it.
I still lie about my age when asked. But, instead of shaving years off, I now add years on. If you tell someone you’re 66, they generally just nod in reaction. But, if you tell them you’re 73, you stand a very good chance of hearing, ‘Wow! You look great for 73!’
instead of eating lunch I just ate a bunch of olives so ….. yet again …..
Before I die, I’m going to arrange for a friend to take my phone, and after the funeral, text everybody to say “thanks for coming” and other assorted messages of appreciation.
him: it’s nice that you wear your heart on your sleeve
me: that’s ketchup
Is the economy struggling? Have you tried telling it to work harder and cut back on luxuries?
What idiot called it Catfishing your Tinder Contacts and not Playing With Matches
horror movie
– but it’s just her throwing on the hallmark channel after handcuffing me to the bedposts
Hey men, we women love it when you hit us up out of the blue for sex. I mean really, I’ve been waiting for this day for a year, Josh.
Please help my husband and I decide on dinner. We’ve narrowed it down to “It doesn’t matter” and “It’s your turn to choose”.
4 can finally say the letter l. However, he has over corrected and started randomly replacing letters with ls. It’s lucking conlusing.
“Be sure to unroll dads sleeves and check for food before you put them in the washer”
-my wife